Weekend Update – It finally happened

Well, guys, it finally happened. I broke my New Year’s resolution. I remember it like it was yesterday, everyone at the party kissing as the clock struck twelve, champagne in hand, me stuffed into the closet . . . good times.

I remember feeling so proud of myself that I wanted to hurt myself. Wait. I wasn’t proud. I was crying. I must have been feeling so – AMAZING that I was crying with JOY! That’s why I was stuck in a closet! I was happy!

Anyway, in that moment I made a New Year’s resolution. Never again would I punch myself in the face and try to pull my teeth out. I had grown to enjoy the stabbing pain and had already pulled out six of my teeth. Not to mention the decreased dental bills.

So there I was, having decided not to pull out my teeth. I was certain that I would be able to kick this habit, as enjoyable as it is. I lasted about three hours before I was clawing at my mouth, desperate to be able to pull teeth.

Eventually, I decided to put a muzzle on my mouth and eat all of my food through a straw. On a side note, I’d advise you all not to try to use a straw to eat cotton candy.

A few people were weirded out by my muzzle at the Labor Day party, but I told them it was a Halloween costume. I’m not sure if they bought it, particularly, once I started sharpening my ax. Hey, it wasn’t MY fault there was a mouse there! I just wanted to kill it. I didn’t want the head to fly off. And hey, even though it grazed Charlotte, it didn’t seriously hurt her.

Once June started, I was still wearing my muzzle but my urges weren’t quite as strong! Instead, I had started pulling my hair out. (Doesn’t this give you all a great mental picture of me?)

Anyway, this story has to have an end. (Or does it? Bum bum bum!) Last week I had a dentist’s appointment. You know, that place where the tortures are rehabilitated into normal society. In order to have my check-up completed, I had to take off my muzzle – and I instantly began pulling out my teeth. Hey, there’re always dentures, right?